I've come to terms with many things in life, the biggest one being accepting who I am and being happy with that.

Growing up, I often found myself devastated at the thought of being disliked by someone. It angered me. I knew in my heart that I tried so hard to be good at everything, to make the right choices, be the right person, give the right impressions... you name it, but still there was always that one person who decided that they didn't approve of me.

It broke my heart. 

I struggled with obsessive compulsiveness and depression on and off; always trying to be perfect at everything. It took me until college basically to figure out that I'm never going to be perfect. I don't know when it happpened, actually, but one day I just knew that I wasn't ever going to be anyone but me. I wasn't ever going to please everyone. I wasn't ever going to be wildly successful at everything I put my hand to. I was going to make mistakes, and most likely make them often. I was going to try something, and then fail miserably. I was going to make a decision and have to back-track occasionally. I was going to commit to things and then find that it wasn't at all what I wanted. I was going to mess up, I was going to be different from everyone else, and I was never going to fit into anyone's exact mold of who I should be.

And that's okay with me.

I've realized that life is crappy sometimes. I've seen a lot of hurt, and a lot of horrible things. I've seen people who have tough lives, and I've seen people who seem to have it pretty good. 

I've been abandoned, backstabbed, forgotten, hurt, broken hearted, disliked, made-fun of, uprooted and moved away from all my friends, homeless, scared, betrayed, lied-to, manipulated, and I've even lost loved ones... but you know what?

I choose to daily see the beauty that God and life have to offer.

I see the flowers in bloom, and the leaves change colors, I've experienced and witnessed the joy of first love, I've laughed with my best friend, and smiled with my sisters. I've hugged my brother. I've made my parents smile. I've seen a baby born, and I've seen hope finally come to the lost.

There are too many beautiful things in this life to blame my short-comings on my surroundings, and to fall into self-pity and despair over imperfection.

I refuse to be anyone but me.

I found a quote by Dr. Suess, that goes something like this..

"Be who you want to be, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

My priorities in life are God, my family, and my select close friends. Other people can take their judgements and stick them where the sun doesn't shine.

Ultimately, I have chosen to be the person I am called to be. I do not care if someone thinks I should be more like them, or more of a "crowd follower". Yes, my life will shape me and my personality because of the twists in the road, but so will my determination.

If I don't like who I am, then who am I to pity myself and blame my life? I can choose to overcome those things. I can choose to get on my knees and ask for help. I can choose to be happy. I can choose to change myself.

God has given me the full potential to be whoever I am called to be, and to do anything I desire to do. So why not be brave and reach for those things?

 I might have to disappoint a few people, but here's the bottom line,

My priorities are different. I love differently and live differently than anyone else.

I'm not afraid to follow my dreams and my calling. I'm not afraid to be different.

I'm not afraid to strike out on my own and try something new. I'm not afraid to be an individual with her own set of glories and failures, mistakes and successes.

Neither should you. 

Let me paint a giant picture,
Using all my thoughts and words.
Where love can be the endless sky,
And heartbreak can be swords.

Where laughter is the laughing brook,
And happiness is dawn.
The red and orange streak 'cross the sky
Like comets; here and gone.

Where smiles can be apple trees,
Budding pink atop a hill.
And sadness can be shadows creeping
Through the cottage window sill.

Where fright can be the dark pine trees
That guard the forest edge.
And pressure can be standing closely
To the precipice's ledge.

Where courage can be shafts of light
Bursting through a broken door.
And comfort is the welcome mat
That greets you from the floor.

Where bravery is fire crackling
In a darkened room.
And being warm when all is cold
Where gloomy prospects loom.

Where luck is a rainbow high above
Injected through the blue.
And blessings are the flower fields
In every different hue.

Where persistence is the bright sunlight
Cutting through the clouds.
And depression is the hazy gray
Limitless in bounds.

Where faith is strong and solid ground
Firm beneath our feet.
Always there to keep us steady
No matter what task we meet.

The strokes of life are strong and sure
Though sometimes filled with tension.
Mistakes and failures do not ruin;
They only add dimension.

You choose the way your life will look,
The colors of your painting.
So make it bright and beautiful,
Though the future may be daunting.

So yesterday was my golf tournament. I picked up Nathan at 5:00 in the blessed morning, and he kept me awake as I drove to Carmel. A good two hours. When I got there, I warmed up and went out to play. It was 36 holes, which is a ten hour golf day. I was so exhausted I was nearly incoherent when I finished, but I played SO GOOD!

First eighteen was 74. Second 18 was 83. The second wasn't as amazing... but I kept it respectable. I bet it was almost 100 degrees and it takes so much energy to walk and carry a 20 pound golf bag that much, and on top of that... focusing and hitting the shots you're supposed to hit is nearly impossible at times. But excuses aside... it was a good day. 

Nathan watched my last nine, he went into Carmal at my recommendations and went to a book store and some places to kill time. Watching 36 holes is not the most interesting in the world. But he came back for my last nine.

I tied for second and Paige won the whole thing. YAY PAIGE!!! :)

After we left we got something to eat at Wendy's and then I fell asleep against his chest on the way home, (he drove because I was too tired) When I woke up, guess what I found? He had tilted the rear view mirror so he could see my face as I slept. Then he proceeded to tell me I was a really cute sleeper. It made me smile. 

 When we got back, we went and cleaned the small offices together (He comes with me so I'm not all alone and scared in that building.) Then I dropped him off at home and we texted till we fell asleep.

I'm pretty sure I have the most incredible man on the planet. Yep.

He could have been doing so many other more interesting things, but instead he spent the entire day with me and waited on me to finish playing golf.

I love you, Nathan.

-Song of the day-

"I pray that it's raining on Sunday, storming like crazy. And we'll hide under the covers all afternoon. Baby whatever comes monday can take care of itself because we've got better things that we can do, when it's raining on Sunday." - Raining On Sunday, by Keith Urban.